As usual, I struggled with a title for this post - there’s so many freaking goodbye songs out there to choose from, but none of them quite hit what I was looking for, except this one.

I’ve been struggling for awhile with what to do about this blog, whether to continue, put it on hold, or end it completely.  There were positives and negatives to each option, and, well… I’m not that great at making decisions.  Much thought and consideration went into this, but in the end it turned out to be an easy choice.  While I’ve made some amazing friends through this blog, it’s main purpose from the beginning was to strengthen my marriage.  Early on, it was an outlet for our exploration of ourselves and the BDSM lifestyle.  But as time went on, it was having the opposite effect - it was hurting my husband, it was allowing me to turn somewhere else emotionally besides him, it was coming between us.  And overall, what I want most - is my marriage.

To my friends - you know who you are, and you know how to reach me (and please don’t hesitate to contact me - just be patient with me about responding).  Some of you have had an amazing impact on my life, and I will continue to read your blogs, follow your lives, and keep in touch.  I’m not going anywhere, but I won’t be here anymore.  All previous posts have been made private, because over the months of writing here, I shared too much.  Not enough about certain things, but too much about others.

I can’t say in all honesty that I know 100% that I’ll never be back, but I’m as close to sure as I can be.  Because as much as I talked about masks, and being myself, and how lalana is who I am… the truth is, I don’t know who I am.  I have to figure that out, all of it.  I have to deal with my demons, my ghosts, my fears, my inadequacies, myself.  And calling myself by another name isn’t going to make any of the shit I have to deal with go away.  It’s just another layer that I put out there to bury everything I don’t want to face.  And the time for that is past - now it’s about my husband, it’s about our marriage, our family. But most of all?  It’s about ME.

lalana

Closing Time - Semisonic

Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home…

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won’t be open ’til your brothers or you sisters come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found a friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning’send.

Yeah, I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home…

Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from…

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home…

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end…

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